Camping With Kids: Torture or Worth it?

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Stefism #37 Camping with kids: A couple hours shoving everything you own into the car, a couple hours driving, a couple hours unloading the car, a couple hours sort of sleeping, a couple hours packing up the car, a couple hours driving home, a couple hours unpacking the car, a couple hours drying everything out, a couple hours putting it all away. Wait, why do we do this again?



Tantrum Chart

Stefism #36 You might think it's a good idea to make a "Tantrum Chart" for your kids so they can see how often they are having tantrums. However, in retaliation, your 5-year-old daughter may make two "Yelling Charts" for mom and dad, which might not go over well.

In fact, when she makes a mark on dad’s chart, he might just rip the yelling chart off the wall and crumple it up. 

The Gross Things Moms Do...

Stefism #34 When your 4-year-old "accidentally" bounces a bouncy ball into a pee-filled toilet, you can try to extract it from the drain with various tools, such as a plunger or tongs. But let's face it. Eventually, you're just going to have to stick your hand in.

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Yup, that’s gross. Disgusting, really. But being a mom requires you to do gross things. Don’t even get me started.

Fiber One Bar? No thanks.

Stefism #33 A good trick to play on your kids would be to let them think that Fiber One bars are just regular ol' granola bars. Then you can laugh and laugh and laugh and cry when they all get diarrhea at the exact same time. #oops

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So one Saturday afternoon we were sitting in our church at a baptismal service. All of a sudden, my kids all started farting at once. It was bad. Like, really bad. I got them out of there and luckily made it to the bathroom in time for them all to have diarrhea. Not kidding. Five kids with diarrhea in the church bathroom. I figured they must have caught some vicious stomach bug at the exact same time. But later that night, they were all perfectly fine. Then I realized each kid had downed at least three Fiber One Bars that morning. Which made me laugh. And laugh. And laugh some more. Poor kids.

Mermaid Hunting

Stefism # 28

4-year-old: "Mom, I've never even seen a real mermaid!"

Me: "That's because mermaids aren't real. They're just pretend."

4-year-old: "WHAT???!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME???!!!"

My daughter was flabbergasted and heart-broken all at once and I found myself wanting to take back what I had said. Why did I speak before thinking? Because I actually love how the line between reality and make-believe is so blurred for kids. Pooh-pooh on me for squashing that line. Looking back, a much better response would have been, “Gosh golly, neither have I!” Then we could have gone mermaid hunting.

Are they all yours?

The next time you are at the store with your kids and someone asks, "Are they all yours?" I think it would be funny to just start laughing hysterically until they walk away. Or, just punch them in the face.

If I had a penny for every time someone asked me this question, I’d probably have $2.35 by now. I could at least buy a couple candy bars with that.

But to answer the question, YES. They are all mine. Do you think I just bring random kids to the store for fun? Because shopping with kids is such a treat? And hello, they all look alike. Doesn’t the half Asian/half Caucasian look they share kind of give that away?


Potty Word King

Stefism #16 If you decide to stop the incessant potty word usage in your house by taking away an hour of screen time for every offense, your 3-year-old might get creative.  He might start saying things like "Hi BUTTerfly!" or "You're a belly BUTTon!"

Ah, potty words. I can’t speak of how it is with girls, but by the time you get to your third boy, it’s pretty much hopeless. The youngest says a potty word once, and it’s all over. His older brothers laugh and laugh, and that youngest child realizes his purpose in life. He becomes the Potty Word King.

As of late, my boys’ favorite potty word has been “butt cheek.” They got this from a certain cartoon that my older boys like to watch. This cartoon has now been banned until they can all go a week without saying that word. Every time one of them slips up and says it, the others all groan, “Aw, man! Now we have to wait another week.” But I can tell they are secretly laughing inside, that waiting another week to watch the show was well worth the usage of their favorite word. 


Pee-scented Candle

Stefism #13 I think a good idea would be to make a pee-scented candle. Then when guests come over, you don't have to clean the bathroom. When they need to go, you can say, "Don't worry about the smell. That's just a candle."

Genius, right? Anyone with boys can understand the angst of the perma-pee smell infiltrating your house. Clean all you want, but it’s just not possible to clean out that small crack between the base of the toilet and the floor. Or the small crack underneath the now stained yellow baseboards. So if any little boys, or big boys for that matter, are reading this, I beg you…please watch what you are doing! You have no idea how close I am to getting a urinal!

Hmm…should I get a urinal?


Nose Pickers

Stefism #11:  5-year-old: “I never pick my nose at night because I can’t find it. It’s too dark.”

I overheard my 5-year-old telling his friend this gem of wisdom very matter-of-factly while we were driving in the car. I wasn’t sure how to respond. On the one hand, I was happy that he wasn’t picking his nose at night and flicking boogers all over the floor. On the other hand, what does this mean he is doing during the day when he can find his nose??! And what is that dried, crusty thing clinging to the dashboard? Yikes!


Toys in Toilet

Stefism #5: When your 4-yr-old "accidentally" bounces a bouncy ball into a pee-filled toilet, you can try to extract it from the drain with various tools, such as a plunger or tongs. But let's face it. Eventually, you're just going to have to stick your hand in.

The ol’ toys-in-the-toilet dilemma. When we lived in our first house, our basement toilet backed up, and you know how gross that gets. So I called a plumber, who came out and charged me an exorbitant fee to snake the drain. After working for a while, he called me down to the garage and told me to look down the drain.

“Looks like there’s some toys down there,” he said. Hmm…so I guess that’s what happens when your three-year-old flushes toys down the toilet…repeatedly.

Recently, I called another plumber for a different problem, and after I told him my toy-flushing story, he said that he keeps a box in his truck full of flushed toys that he’s taken out of drains. Seriously?! I am so glad I’m not his kid!

Any good flushing stories? Please share!