Stefism #27 Want to know what's really fun? Flying on an airplane with 5 kids by yourself. Want to know what's even more fun? Having your 2-year-old get a bloody nose on the plane and watching the blood splatter all over yourself, the person next to you, and the flight attendant as she thrashes her head around.Read More
The next time you are at the store with your kids and someone asks, "Are they all yours?" I think it would be funny to just start laughing hysterically until they walk away. Or, just punch them in the face.
If I had a penny for every time someone asked me this question, I’d probably have $2.35 by now. I could at least buy a couple candy bars with that.
But to answer the question, YES. They are all mine. Do you think I just bring random kids to the store for fun? Because shopping with kids is such a treat? And hello, they all look alike. Doesn’t the half Asian/half Caucasian look they share kind of give that away?
Stefism #22 When your baby feels like a ton of bricks, you may think it's because he's so fat. Think again. It might be because your three-year-old is putting rocks in the baby’s diaper.
Because, come on, a diaper is a good place to store stuff! So why not put rocks in there? Or legos or candy, for that matter? You can save it for later, when you get bored or hungry...
Stefism #20 The Mother of the Year award might just be yanked out of reach when you hear a voice calling from the front door, "Um, hello? Is this your baby?"
I hear stories on the news about negligent mothers and think, how could they do that? What were (or weren’t) they thinking? But honestly, sometimes this stuff just happens. The kids were in the basement and I was in the kitchen making dinner. Then I hear a voice from the front door, calling, “Um, hello? Is this your baby?” Confused, I walked to the door only to find a teenage girl holding my 18-month-old. What?!
Turns out he had come upstairs, opened the front door, and taken a stroll outside. By his 18-month-old self. Luckily, some nice woman and her daughter saw him take off for the street, stopped their car, and brought him up to the wide open door. First of all, I didn’t even know my baby could open the front door! This was the first time. Second of all, agghhhh! Talk about scary! I am so grateful for those kind people that saved my child. And yes, I am now a little psycho about making sure my front door is locked. But I still like to quote, “Um, hello? Is this your baby?”
Stefism #15 Before I had kids, if I saw a toddler with snot streaming down his face onto his upper lip, I always gave his parents a Look and thought, “Just wipe the kid’s nose already!” Then I had kids.Read More
Stefism #5: When your 4-yr-old "accidentally" bounces a bouncy ball into a pee-filled toilet, you can try to extract it from the drain with various tools, such as a plunger or tongs. But let's face it. Eventually, you're just going to have to stick your hand in.
The ol’ toys-in-the-toilet dilemma. When we lived in our first house, our basement toilet backed up, and you know how gross that gets. So I called a plumber, who came out and charged me an exorbitant fee to snake the drain. After working for a while, he called me down to the garage and told me to look down the drain.
“Looks like there’s some toys down there,” he said. Hmm…so I guess that’s what happens when your three-year-old flushes toys down the toilet…repeatedly.
Recently, I called another plumber for a different problem, and after I told him my toy-flushing story, he said that he keeps a box in his truck full of flushed toys that he’s taken out of drains. Seriously?! I am so glad I’m not his kid!
Any good flushing stories? Please share!
Stefism #4: When you are at the pediatrician's office and the nurse asks, "How many wet diapers a day?" try not to stare blankly as you think, "Is she asking how many times a day he pees or how many times I actually change him?" Just respond with my go-to answer for any question: "Normal."
Ahhh…diaper changing. I once had a friend that changed her kid’s diaper every single time she peed. Every. Single. Time. She said she could smell it. Luckily, I am not blessed with a very good sense of smell, and therefore do not smell it when my child pees.
This lack of olfactory skill leads to only changing my kid’s diaper three times a day – when he wakes up, after his nap, and before bed. And of course, when he goes, you know, number 2. Occasionally I change his diaper and think, “How in the world is there so much pee in here?” His diaper is hanging down to his ankles!
So kudos to diaper manufacturers! They’ve given us the ability to let our kids walk around with 5 gallons of pee hanging off their bums!
Stefism #3: When you're nursing and your baby bites you, you could flick his lip. Or you could just bite HIS nipple.
I must admit that I’ve never actually tried the latter method, but it does seem like it might be effective.
I am no longer nursing, but as of late, my 2-year-old has been biting anything he can get his teeth into – my hand, my shoulder, my leg. The first two times he bit me, I flicked his lip, and he cried. The third time he bit me, I flicked his lip again, he cried, and then he reached up and flicked my lip. Seriously?!
Obviously the flicking of the lip is not working. I have heard that biting them back is effective, but due to his previous retaliation, I’m afraid of the onset of a vicious biting circle.
So how do all of you deal with biters?