If you click on the links, it will take you to those blog posts.
Stefism #1: If you swear you will never have a blog and will never wear skinny jeans, don’t be surprised a few years later to find yourself blogging while wearing skinny jeans. Welcome to the new age. You’re only like 5 years late.
Stefism #2: If you thought pregnancy, vacuums, and nursing babies had nothing in common, you'd be wrong. They all suck.
Stefism #3: When you're nursing and your baby bites you, you could flick his lip. Or you could just bite HIS nipple.
Stefism #4: When you are at the pediatrician's office and the nurse asks, "How many wet diapers a day?" try not to stare blankly as you think, "Is she asking how many times a day he pees or how many times I actually change him?" Just respond with my go-to answer for any question: "Normal."
Stefism #5: When your 4-yr-old "accidentally" bounces a bouncy ball into a pee-filled toilet, you can try to extract it from the drain with various tools, such as a plunger or tongs. But let's face it. Eventually, you're just going to have to stick your hand in.
Stefism #6: You may have been using too much bribery when you hand your son an ice cream cone and he says, "Will you give me a dollar if I eat this?"
Stefism #8: Speaking of brains, I read once that for every child you have, you lose half your brain cells. That means I'm left with 1/32 of my original brain function. That explains a lot. Wait, what were we just talking about?
Stefism #9: The dreaded day has finally arrived, cemented with the words no mother ever wants to hear. You're jamming out to your favorite tunes, and your daughter says, "Mom, your arms are really jiggly."
Stefism #10: A good way to get your kids in the car real quick is to tell them they can each pick out one toy at the store. Then when you get there, say, "Kidding! I just need to get some milk."
Stefism #11: 5-year-old: “I never pick my nose at night because I can’t find it. It’s too dark.”
Stefism #12: When you have slaved over dinner and provided your family with a delicious meal, don’t be offended when your 7-year-old starts gagging and your 5-year-old declares there is no way he is eating that. They have no concept of how much effort goes into preparing a can of SpaghettiOs.
Stefism #13 I think a good idea would be to make a pee-scented candle. Then when guests come over, you don't have to clean the bathroom. When they need to go, you can say, "Don't worry about the smell. That's just a candle."
Stefism #14 I remember when I used to have dreams of traveling the world and doing amazing things. Now I just dream of the day when I have a bathroom door that locks.
Stefism #15 Before I had kids, if I saw a toddler with snot streaming down his face onto his upper lip, I always gave his parents a Look and thought, “Just wipe the kid’s nose already!” Then I had kids.
Stefism #16 If you decide to stop the incessant potty word usage in your house by taking away an hour of screen time for every offense, your 3-year-old might get creative. He might start saying things like "Hi BUTTerfly!" or "You're a belly BUTTon!"
Stefism #17 So what's all the fuss about newborns anyway? They sleep, eat, poop and cry. Not much different from my other children.
Stefism # 18 You know how strangers like to come up to you and rub your pregnant belly? Well, I like to go up to men that look pregnant, rub their bellies, and say, "Awe, I just love fat bellies."
Stefism #19 A great way to feel really good about yourself is to play Candyland with your 4-year-old. It's really easy to stack the deck so you can always draw the "ice cream cone," while your kid always draws "the gingerbread man."
Stefism #20 The Mother of the Year award might just be yanked out of reach when you hear a voice calling from the front door, "Um, hello? Is this your baby?"
Stefism #21 In a minivan, the 3rd row should be known as the "pit of despair." Do NOT go back there. EVER. Just keep hoping that someday the garbage will come alive, chew your children up, and spit them back out on the floor, just so they know how it feels.
Stefism #22 When your baby feels like a ton of bricks, you may think it's because he's so fat. Think again. It might be because your three-year-old is putting rocks in the baby’s diaper.
Stefism # 23 I always looked forward to that "pregnant glow" that everyone talks about. What I didn't realize is that they were talking about the shine of the toilet reflecting off my face.
Stefism # 24 The next time you are at the store with your kids and someone asks, "Are these all yours?" I think it would be funny to just start laughing hysterically until they walk away.
Stefism # 25 Ah, the joys of pumping. So beautiful. So natural. So bucolic. #moo
Stefism #26 You know you have finally reached the high point in your mom life when your husband says in a panic, "You can never die. I'd never know which clothes belong to which kid."
Stefism #27 Want to know what's really fun? Flying on an airplane with 5 kids by yourself. Want to know what's even more fun? Having your 2-year-old get a bloody nose on the plane and watching the blood splatter all over yourself, the person next to you, and the flight attendant as she thrashes her head around.
4-year-old: "Mom, I've never even seen a real mermaid!" Me: "That's because mermaids aren't real. They're just pretend." 4-year-old: "WHAT???!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME???!!!"
Stefism #29 Teeth. My worst enemy. Teething, biting, first 8 teeth, canines, 1st year molars, 2nd year molars, 6 year molars, loose teeth, falling-out-teeth, tooth-fairy, permanent teeth, cross-bite, under-bite, over-bite, expanders, braces, head-gear, missing teeth, overcrowding, impacted teeth, 12 year molars, braces phase II, wisdom teeth, brushing, flossing, cavities, fillings, root-canals, crowns. The nightmare never ends. And I'm pretty sure I just paid for my dentist's new Porsche. #yourewelcome
Stefism #30 It might not be a good idea to let your 7-year-old eat “as much candy as he wants” on Halloween and then allow the kids to have a sleepover on the floor. Because he may just throw it all up, and his sister might just end up rolling around in the vomit in her sleep.
Stefism #31 You might feel impressed with yourself when you decide to join a “weight-loss competition” with some of your friends during the week of Halloween. Don’t be surprised, however, when you drop out after three days because you realize that chocolate is more important to you than basically anything else in the world.
Stefism #32 When your neighbor asks you to watch their pet hamster over Thanksgiving break, just say no. You can feed it, change its water, and do everything you're supposed to do. But when the little girl next door comes to pick up her beloved little furball, she might burst into tears because her hamster isn't moving. Her mom may try to convince her that he's "hibernating," but who is she kidding?
Stefism #33 A good trick to play on your kids would be to let them think that Fiber One bars are just regular ol' granola bars. Then you can laugh and laugh and laugh and cry when they all get diarrhea at the exact same time. #oops
Stefism #34 When your 4-year-old "accidentally" bounces a bouncy ball into a pee-filled toilet, you can try to extract it from the drain with various tools, such as a plunger or tongs. But let's face it. Eventually, you're just going to have to stick your hand in.
Stefism #35 It was such an exciting moment when our 5-year-old son walked toward the stage to play in his first violin recital. We were so proud when he turned around, saw all those people, stomped his little foot, shouted "No," and then sat back down.
Stefism #36 You might think it's a good idea to make a "Tantrum Chart" for your kids so they can see how often they are having tantrums. However, in retaliation, your 5-year-old daughter may make two "Yelling Charts" for mom and dad, which might not go over well.
Stefism #37 Camping with kids: A couple hours shoving everything you own into the car, a couple hours driving, a couple hours unloading the car, a couple hours sort of sleeping, a couple hours packing up the car, a couple hours driving home, a couple hours unpacking the car, a couple hours drying everything out, a couple hours putting it all away. Wait, why do we do this again?